There's a Vampire in the Laundry Room

Because someone doesn’t think I post here often enough… ahem.  

This is one of three little vignettes I wrote a few years ago from the prompt “There’s a Vampire In the Laundry Room,” with one pass of edits.  I have no way to confirm this, but I’d bet money that I was reading Janet Evanovich when I wrote this one.  My tea- and tequila-swilling, bunny-vitamin eating, laundry-mom has an air of Stephanie Plum about her.  

Are there any vampires in YOUR laundry room???

Etude: There’s a Vampire in the Laundry Room

I brewed myself a cup of strong black tea and splashed milk in it to cool it off.  I took a swig to wash down two Advil and a Bugs Bunny vitamin.  I thought about taking a slug of tequila from the bottle stashed in the cupboard behind the chocolate chip cookies, but decided tequila and Bugs Bunny would clash.  I ate two cookies instead.  

It’s been a very weird day around here.  

I dreamt Matthew McConaughey drove me to the library in a limousine (alright, alright, alright).  My husband bought me flowers.  My kids all got ready without a fuss, so they were early for school.  And I’m pretty sure there’s a vampire in the laundry room.  

So there’s a good chance that in the two hours I’ve been awake today, I’ve encountered zombies, aliens, and bloodsuckers.  No werewolves yet, but the day is still new.

I knew I’d have to take care of the vampire if I was going to get any laundry done, but since the sun was up he probably wasn’t going anywhere for a while.  They’re always attracted by the new roach traps.  I was pretty sure this one was sitting on top of the dryer hoping I wouldn’t notice him while he scoped out the trap.  I caught a glimpse of him when he ran across the kitchen floor in the dark early this morning.  Six feet tall and he thought I wouldn’t notice him perched on my appliances?  They’re dumb like that.

I finished my tea and rummaged through the kitchen drawers looking for a wooden chopstick.  In the first couple of drawers I managed to find three plastic ones.  I finally found a wooden one in a cupboard under a bag of dog food.  We needed to order in some Lo Mein so I could replenish my chopstick supply.   Either that or I’d have to resort to using my knitting needles.  I didn’t want to have to go there.

I clutched the chopstick in my right hand and opened the laundry room door with my left.   The small room was pitch black, but I didn’t turn on the light. No sense in startling the poor sap, especially if he was in the middle of eating a roach.  The roaches here on the coast are scary.  Some of them as big as cats.  There was no need for the vigilance though.  The vampire had fallen asleep across the top of the washer and dryer.  He had an insect leg sticking out of the corner of his mouth and he was drooling.  Disgusting.  But on the bright side, he’d be taking some roaches away with him.

When I rammed the chopstick into his chest he ppphstzed into a billion shiny little particles of dust.  Sucking up the vampire glitter with the ShopVac, I made a mental note to stake only outside.  I started a load of wash and went back for the tequila.

Comments

[Eglentyne]

If you're interested in the trope of the vampire-slaying mom, check out Julie Kenner's Demon-Hunting Soccer mom series, beginning with Carpe Demon.

[Eglentyne]

An excised bit from the non-journaling journals from this vignette:

"Mom, there's a vampire in the laundry room again!"

"Get a shoe."

"Ew. No way."