Statistics

With apologies to the Harper’s “Index”:

• $748.72; our monthly health insurance premium.
• $15; copayment anytime one of us wishes to see a physician in a clinical setting for any reason.
• $100; copayment anytime one of us wishes to see a physician in an emergent setting for any reason.
• $95; cost for the ineffectual flu shots we got back in October.
• 6; number of days this flu took to infect all five of us, as measured by first onset of symptoms.
• 6; minimum number of pounds I’ve lost since first onset of flu symptoms on Thursday.
• 4; minimum number of pounds lost by Sonar X7 since first onset of flu symptoms last Monday (I stopped checking, this freaked me out too much).
• $150; average monthly drug costs for our family, including allergy and asthma meds.
• $217.96; cost of one week of additional drugs for treatment of the flu (still accumulating).
• $60; cost of doctor visits during this epic flu battle (still accumulating).
• $29.95; cost of the “Cough Your Way to Rock Hard Abs” DVD, hosted by Archie Fleming.
• 2; rank of “Coughin’ to the Oldies” among most popular fitness DVDs for “mature Americans.”
• 1; rank of Feeling Like Your Tongue’s Been Ripped out by the Root in underreported injuries among subscribers to Archie Fleming’s Cough Your Way to Fitness series.
• $29.95; cost of a cool hat, snazzy stainless steel water bottle, and some sunscreen to take with you outside, where you breathe fresh, clean air and move your body in a way that doesn’t make you feel like you want to die.
• 500 (est.); loads of laundry we did yesterday.
• 1 (min.); large loads of laundry washed with the Load Size set to Small.

Figures cited to the best of my frenzied recollection as of as of five minutes ago. All figures have been adjusted for hyperbolic effect, except for the weight loss and actual health costs, which are really that horrifying. No seriously. Go ahead and multiply 748.72 by 12. I’ll wait. Now know that we consider ourselves lucky to have such good (though pricey) health insurance. My sister has to work nine months before she earns that much money, and she does that without receiving any health benefits whatsoever. Yeah, I know it’s wrong too. And yeah, I think “mature American” might be an oxymoron. Go drink some orange juice.

Fevered Brain

Last night in the flip-flopping as my temperature wandered up and down from 100F (37.8C) to 103.5F (39.7C),* I discovered The Energy.

I was covered with what I thought were tiny little blobs of energy that hummed and shivered and fluttered when I moved, then settled in an ordered layer over my body when I was still. They covered me, the bed, Partner, the floor. They were everywhere. Why had I not been able to see them before?

Partner slept on, but through some Obe Wan, Jedi master, mind-spirit communication thing, we talked about the little blobs. We discovered that they weren’t Energy per se, but Matter. We had discovered the ability to sense matter in a different way.** And not just sense it. Manipulate it too!!

By concentrating our thoughts on these blankest of matter we could change their shape and properties. We could release limitless amounts of energy through the manipulation of their blobby little bonds. We could create from them anything we desired or imagined.

I thought these little things were great—for a few hours. but then the little matter blobs became more insistent, their shuffles taking on a bit of a pestering clamor and waking me up with every one of my flip-flops.

By the time the room filled with light and I sat up seeking a gallon of water to sooth my parched throat, I was relieved to find that the matter blobs had melted away from my perception once again.

I preferred the hallucinations on Thursday night that involved a red 1972 Camaro SS with a black top and its sexy driver. Much less freaky those.

___________________________

*I have the flu (not to several of you, it turns out my lungs were clear and I do not have pneumonia…yet). It sucks. Maybe I’ll tell you about it some other time. Note that besides the fever, two of my drugs conspire against sleep. One of those also contains a narcotic that gives me weird “dreams.” And a third one gives me the shakes and a clutching sense of anxiety. Not restful. Though I’m told that they are all working to restore the efficiency of oxygen exchange in my lungs so that I can drag my butt out of the recliner long enough to pee and drink water and occasionally brush my teeth and hair.

** Yeah. I know. Everyone can sense matter. Matter is everything. Give me a break, I was hallucinating.

A snort of approval

No. Not that kind of snort.

Thanks so much to everyone for the snot sympathy, and for suggestions about combating the snot.

In spite of the myriad modern concoctions available to root out, thin out, and disinfect upper respiratory mucus, I’ve had the best results with nasal saline lavage. That is to say, squirting saltwater up my nose at regular intervals. Nothing fancy. Half a teaspoon of salt in eight ounces of cleanish water. Squirt.

I’ll admit that as a card-carrying mammal, complete with air-breathing lungs, I was not crazy about the idea of introducing liquid into my upper respiratory passages. But I have to say, that weird as it is, I also find it sort of exhilarating.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I have never dated a doctor. Heck I don’t even know that many doctors. So my entirely unscientific, anecdotal experiences with snorting saline should not be taken as advice in the treatment of your snot. Please contact a reasonably qualified medical-type person for advice about your own snot.

That said, if you choose to try such an application of brackish water to your mucus membranes, be sure not to blow it out too hard and back it all up into your ears. Blow gently, both nostrils open. No fun to have the saline in the ears. Seriously.

Speaking of sticking things up your nose…

No. Still not that sort of sticking up your nose.

Sonar X7 had gigantic cotton swaps stuck up his nose today to confirm that yes, indeed, he is our next contestant in name that germ. This week’s featured virus: Influenza. Yes, folks, joining us in our parade of germs is this year’s infamous flu virus. Along with its cousin, it has been baffling flu vaccines everywhere. Flu brings along with it a new player to our pharmaceutical party, Tamiflu.

This is our family’s first experience with the celebrity drug, and, as with so many other drugs, the Integrated MedFacts Module (aka the handy flier the pharmacist gives us with our drugs), this one almost makes the drug sound scarier than the virus.

*Common* side effects include nausea and vomiting. Well, hot-dog! He’s already had nausea and vomiting, and while it seems to have passed, let’s go ahead and dose him and see if it’ll come back around.

Even better though, “Patients with flu who take this medicine may have an increased risk of confusion and unusual behavioral changes. The risk may be greater in children.” Yippee! I’m so seriously looking forward to that one, because, my kids are already maniacs when they’re sick.

Where’s that saline?

Forward

I have 52.5 pages on my script!! Yay!! More than halfway. Ok, I know I set out to do 30 this weekend and only came up with 12 (and a half!), but I’m counting this as good forward progress and refuse to dwell on 17.5 pages I wish I’d done.

There are ten days and 47.5 pages left. That requires a completely doable average of 4.75 pages per day. I am going to finish this crazy little story.

In other news, that stupid virus just won’t take a hint. I tried to be gracious and let him be the one to leave rather than humiliating him with a messy breakup. But dude won’t get out. Virus is really freakin happy clogging up my left ear. Virus needs to find pseudo-life in some other body. Just not anyone in this family. Or anyone else I know. Perhaps some stranger. Or someone I don’t like. Yeah, that’s it.

Next time: The raid on the Texas polygamists is really weird.

Would you like tissues with that?

This virus and I are celebrating our eighth day together. Ah, and what a time we’ve had. Gosh, it seems like only last week we were having that first little tingle of excitement, a tickle in my nose, then the flash of a blinding headache. And then how time flew as we worked our way through the snot, choosing our favorite kleenexes, deciding on a drug regimen.

But I’m worried that the virus is starting to lose interest. The fire has really gone out of things.

And what will I do when the virus is gone? Oh, my, what will I do???

Oh wait. I know what I’ll do.

Breathe through both nostrils at the same time! Hear clearly with both ears!! Not fall asleep when I sit still for three seconds!! WRITE.

Ahem. Sorry. I got a little carried away there.

But yes, the plan here is to write this weekend. I have 40 pages done on the script. I have a 30-page goal for this weekend. Who’s with me? You over there in California maybe? How about you, yes, you, up in British Columbia? Yes, you know you want to. Ok, maybe not 30 pages. How about a fresh blog? Free-writing for 20 minutes? A grocery list?